Thursday, October 13, 2005

the things we do

Shelving holding five thousand pounds of sheet metal or lumber at Home Depot collapses (imagined)…... Have you ever? And I’m not even touching on the human-calculated varieties: shooting, stabbing, strangulation by (a) someone you know, (b) someone you don’t know, (c) someone disgruntled (postal worker, unappreciated employee, failing student). And we can’t forget malpractice. My sister-in-law died at the age of thirty-two during childbirth because the doctors and nurses missed the red-flagged allergic to anesthesia warning on her medical chart. People don’t die anymore in childbirth, everyone knows that, but yet they do; sweet, stunning, silk-scarf-wearing, multilingual Hilary did. People are just dying everywhere, all the time, every which way. What can the rest of us do but hold on for dear life.

I am looking for comfort for my soul, there comes many times in a girls life when we take stock of the things we need to move forward. I am not moving forward at the moment, just when I take one step out it seems there are two to move me back. The Boys and the Ex’s are enough trouble- then there is the volunteering and other things that consume my time, not allowing me to move forward in any direction it seems.
I know I could be different- I know I could be nice and kind, I wish and pray to god to help me understand forgiveness- some days I am better at it than others. I wish I didn’t have to rely on J’s and HH’s dad ( my ex) to give me anything, I wish it were easier, I wish he would move on with his life. But my grandpa used to say if wishes were horses well beggars would fly. So I guess I need solutions that I can accomplish. I have managed to get S. upset with me too. I am going against the solid advice and front I agreed too with Him for J and D’s Grades, I let J go to the football game today even though he was sporting an F in English last night at parent teacher conferences. This whole thing with J grades and school and his dad it is going to be the death of me. (lol)

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