Shelving holding five thousand pounds of sheet metal or lumber at Home Depot collapses (imagined)…... Have you ever? And I’m not even touching on the human-calculated varieties: shooting, stabbing, strangulation by (a) someone you know, (b) someone you don’t know, (c) someone disgruntled (postal worker, unappreciated employee, failing student). And we can’t forget malpractice. My sister-in-law died at the age of thirty-two during childbirth because the doctors and nurses missed the red-flagged allergic to anesthesia warning on her medical chart. People don’t die anymore in childbirth, everyone knows that, but yet they do; sweet, stunning, silk-scarf-wearing, multilingual Hilary did. People are just dying everywhere, all the time, every which way. What can the rest of us do but hold on for dear life.
I am looking for comfort for my soul, there comes many times in a girls life when we take stock of the things we need to move forward. I am not moving forward at the moment, just when I take one step out it seems there are two to move me back. The Boys and the Ex’s are enough trouble- then there is the volunteering and other things that consume my time, not allowing me to move forward in any direction it seems.
I know I could be different- I know I could be nice and kind, I wish and pray to god to help me understand forgiveness- some days I am better at it than others. I wish I didn’t have to rely on J’s and HH’s dad ( my ex) to give me anything, I wish it were easier, I wish he would move on with his life. But my grandpa used to say if wishes were horses well beggars would fly. So I guess I need solutions that I can accomplish. I have managed to get S. upset with me too. I am going against the solid advice and front I agreed too with Him for J and D’s Grades, I let J go to the football game today even though he was sporting an F in English last night at parent teacher conferences. This whole thing with J grades and school and his dad it is going to be the death of me. (lol)